The Art Of Argument...

Over the last couple of days I have been giving a lot of thought to the Art of Arguing. I am particularly engaged in this thought process because of a really bad argument I had over the weekend with a really close friend. We had been squabbling back and forth for the past couple of days. I attribute it to the undue stress she placed on herself about an upcoming event. She might disagree. Nonetheless, we had been in heated battle for two days.

Now anyone who really knows me knows that I do not like to argue with people as a rule. I’ll even try to avoid arguments at all cost. However, if pushed to a certain point I am known to snap. This is what happened this past weekend. The verbal sparring, the insults and insinuations were ridiculous. Yet it got me to thinking about arguing with people you love. More importantly the Art of Arguing with people you love. I say Art, because of the quality, production, expression or realm according to the principles of argument.

There is a certain way that one should have disagreements with the people we love. Just because you are angry does not give you free range to say mean and hurtful things. Just because you do not agree with someone does not give you permission to call names. Bringing up past transgressions will not help your side of the argument, because the past is just that. The past. I firmly believe that when you are hurling insults and hurtful conversation to prove your point, the person with whom you are disagreeing ceases to listen. They are now only thinking about the next hurtful thing they are going to say to you. No points have been made. You’ve accomplished nothing.

When I find myself in heated disagreements with the people I love I try to think about what I’m going to say before I open my mouth. I am not looking for the most hurtful thing I can say to them, but the best way to get my point across without attacking them as a human being.  I want to be heard and understood without attacking your character. It is important to not let anger take you places that may be hard to come back from. Words cut deeper than you know. That’s why people say you should be careful how you speak to your children. You could scar them for life with ugly words.

So I say the next time you find yourself in a heated debate with a loved one, friend, coworker, etc., take a few seconds and count to ten before you utter that next sentence. You may save yourself a shit load of I’m sorry’s. 

You Won't Melt It's Just Water...

Yesterday our block club hosted its’ 1^st Annual Fall Harvest Festival Block Party. It started off as a simple conversation on the front porch of one of my neighbors. A desire to bring the block together sparked the conversation. There was a yearning to capture that nostalgia of years gone by. Many of my current neighbors are second generation home owners. They are now the owners of the homes they grew up. So they have a history with the block. They remember the times when Unity was like taking your next breath.

 They tell stories of block parties that spanned 3 city blocks. Memories of swim mobiles and  play mobiles took over the conversation. You could see the smile in the eyes of my neighbors as they reminisced about the past. Neighbors would drag their grills out on the streets, children rode their bikes in out of the burst of water from the fire hydrants and I’m sure Al Green was playing somewhere in the background.

So it was from a desire to give our children something we grew up on that got the ball rolling. We learned new hustles, ate yummy fish sandwiches, roasted marshmallows, carved pumpkins, face painting for everyone, a chili cook off, kids and adults alike in costumes. It was amazing to see so many people come out to support our 1^st event. I prayed for peace and good weather. God delivered. Not one problem and the sun came out after a few sprinkles. I had the privilege of talking with our elders. People who have lived on this block 58 years plus. To learn the history of this neighborhood proved more informative than any book I’ve read about Detroit.

The momentum is there. We are excited about what we were able to accomplish working together. So as we plan for our next meeting to discuss our upcoming bowling party I am confident that the neighbors who did not participate today will get involved in our next outing. The excitement is contagious…

Girl I Didn't Know You Liked Merlot...

It’s so funny how things always seem to work out for the greater good.  We are on the Eve of our 1^st Annual Fall Harvest Festival Block Party. Time is winding down. We are indeed in the final hours. Things at this point need to be taken care of.  Those who have committed themselves are accounted for. But for some strange reason one hold out neighbor has been on my mind. Now don’t get it twisted, one monkey won’t stop this Diva’s show, but for reasons only known to a higher authority this particular neighbors lack of involvement bothered me.

I love her children. When I see them I always make a point of speaking. Asking them how their day went. How’s school going? Are you being good? College plans? The usual questions any adult would put on a child when expressing concern. So it hurt my feelings when their mom ignored our knocks at the door for volunteers and contributions. I will admit that I was the block club member screaming outside her house that I knew she was in there and that it was some BULLSHIT she wasn’t answering the door. Not professional, but hey I grew up near Mack & Bewick, so decorum was not always required.  While I know that is no excuse for bad behavior, I couldn’t help myself. Anger has a way of taking you to the “LEFT”.

I spoke with other neighbors about my concerns. I got all kind of crazy responses. None of which made any kind of sense in what I deemed my logical mind. I see you all the time. We speak. We kick it. What’s holding you back??? I admit I got angry at first. We all want things to go our way. We all want people in alignment with our ideas. Those things we hold near and dear. The very things we think are right. Those beliefs we are certain everyone else shares….”NOT”. 

So after a long day of running around for the block party it was time to wind it down. I stepped in my neighborhood store for my favorite bottle of “Merlot” and who do I see??? Okay, you already know otherwise this blog entry would be a complete waste of time. However, my prideful mind told me to keep it moving. Grab what you came to get. Whatever program she’s running let her, but my spiritual being would not accept that. It just simply wouldn’t let me walk away. How could I when all my efforts are for the benefit for us all. Not just me and mine, but for you and yours. So when I saw her I said something. I ran up and threw my arms around her. I began to ask her how could she not want to fellowship with us?  How could she let such a momentous occasion take place without being involved? Of course I got all the stories, but I would not let it end that way.

Making sure to tell her I love her and her children. Letting her know that we need her and hers there, putting my pride aside I knew that was true. So I cannot say if she will show, if what I said will make a difference. But I’m hopeful, I’m positive. Ever the optimistic. Praying for good weather and praying for peace. I just have to believe she’ll be there and I will meet her right where she is…

You're Going To Put A Dent In My Mini Blinds...

They say it takes a village to raise a child. I say it takes a community for that child to survive. Today my block club wrapped up its’ final planning session for our 1^st Annual Fall Harvest Festival Block Party. I’m excited to see our block pull together for the benefit of us all.  The faithful 10 has met each week for the past two months to get what seemed an impossible effort off the ground.

I moved here 10 years ago when my marriage ended.  I came with two small children, favorite daughter, 8 and favorite son, 6.  Dazed, confused and not quite sure of my next move I began to find my way. I immersed myself in the kinships of my block.   They in turn embraced a single mother with two small children.   My neighbors looked out when I had to work overtime. They stepped up to babysit when I got accepted to the UAW-Ford Apprenticeship Program.  When I found myself working insane hours, crazy shifts and going to school, they stepped in with untold support.  The community wrapped its’ arms around us. They uplifted us.  That fairy tale ideology of community is what I found on my block. People joke when they come to visit me that it seems we all know each other. They marvel at the fact that we are indeed one big family that happens to be situated on one city block.  And to this I say we sure are.

That is why it is with great pride that I am able to work on our block party. The seniority block club members (30 plus years) tell me they haven’t had such an event since the late 70’s early 80’s.  The level of excitement is infectious. Although I would have liked for every neighbor on our 44 house block to participate I understand that you cannot have it all. So come Saturday we will break bread, karaoke, learn new hustles, bob for apples, challenge each other in our chili cook off challenge, slam dominoes, send people to Boston, make our books, toss rings on pumpkins, but most of all we will fellowship with our neighbors. We will get from behind the mini blinds and spend some one on one time getting to know each other once again. 

But I Don't Like Cats...

It's funny that I sit here in front of my computer pondering what I want to write about for my first actual blog.  My first thought went to politics and the role the United States has played over recent years on the world stage. Then I thought about hair care products. Being a black woman, my hair seems to always be at the forefront of everything I do. I thought about blogging about the latest fashion trends around the country with particular emphasis being placed on plus sized women, being that I am a woman with a little meat on my bones. However, none of those topics seem to jump out at me. The one thing that my mind kept going back to was relationships. More importantly, my lack thereof.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some lonely, desperate woman sitting at home with her cats collecting newspapers and peeping through her mini blinds as her neighbors enjoy life. I get out there. I interact with people. I SOCIALIZE. Yet, here I find myself alone. Not LONELY, just alone. So I began to seek the advice of what I believed to be male friends. The conversation went a little something like this...Hey you've know me for a few years. What do you think the reason is that I'm not in a relationship, despite wanting to be in one? I consider myself a good person. A hard worker. A team player. One who desires to get along with people. You know, painting myself in a positive light as most people do.

When you open yourself up for critique you had damn well better be prepared for what's getting ready to be said. Sadly, I was not. My first male friend said that I acted to "tough". That perhaps maybe I should act a little more "DITZY"...his words, not mine. That I had this hard core Detroit persona going on. That I was ready to fight at a moments notice.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Not me. The person who donates their time to charity. Fights for justice with their union. Loves her children unconditionally. Has fed the entire neighborhood at one time or another. Has let everyone under the sun live with me at one time or another. Not me. He could not possibly mean me.

My second male friend agreed with my tough girl assessment. That I seem to be ready to engage in an argument at a moments notice. I thought, how could he be saying these things. We've never been in an argument. I've never lashed out at him. I couldn't understand what he meant. I began to rewind the many conversations in my mind. Trying  to edit the text in my brain to see where I had accosted him. Where I had attacked his manhood. You know, that thing so many black men hold near and dear. That issue of respect or the lack of. I couldn't think of one thing.

Had I defended myself in heated debate? Of course. Had I made good points in defense of whatever discussion we had going on at the moment. Yes, indeed. Was it that I had an educated conversation or that I could articulate my thoughts? Was it my ability to speak in complete sentences? Damn...what was it? Or more importantly, what is it that makes me..."U-N-D-A-T-A-B-L-E"??? 

Now it was time for the round table of Diva's. I mean where else can you get the truth with love? I began to explain to them what was said to me. One friend thought that I was to independent. That I needed to play a needier role in the relationship. Another girlfriend thought that I should not discuss where I worked or what I did. So that the perspective male companion would not be intimidated by my financial independence. Finally, the voice of reason stepped in. My good friend of 20 plus years. Who's seen me through a marriage,  a divorce and raising kids. Career changes and educational attainments. She told me that nothing these men said to me was true. That I in fact was a "Good Girl" and that God was saving someone special for me. That I had not met the man for whom God had hand picked for me. To stop wasting my precious gift of time with people who were UNWORTHY of it. That any man who was lucky to have me as their companion was..."WINNING".

Somehow that made me feel better. I took solace in the fact that I had done what was expected of me. I took comfort in the truth about who I really was. That I had done right by people. That I had treated others as I so wanted to be treated. So all I can do is sing my song, say my prayer and wait on the Lord.

"God please hear my Call

I am afraid for Me

Love has burned me Raw

I need a Healing

Please, Please, Please."

Blogging

So here I am with all my ideas and opinions. I've taken the next step in the articulation of my thoughts by setting up this blog spot. I hope that it will not offend, but inspire. I hope that this place will be one of profound information. One of great debate and the sharing of knowledge.